Friendships are important at any age, but they take on a different direction in the Middle Years. We look to our friends for guidance, love, and acceptance. Over time, we can lose focus on our relationships, and they grow stagnant. There are several ways to be a “good friend” and a crapload of ways to be a “bad” one. I know you can all relate! I have watched friendships end over stupid arguments, miscommunication, and Facebook.
We all have relationships in our lives that we cherish, and ones that we keep holding on to knowing that they aren’t worthy of our strength or time. We crave the closeness and interaction friendship provides, and our feelings are hurt when that isn’t reciprocated. I have had my share of friendships that I have learned hard lessons from. You cant force people to be in your life if they don’t want to be. This goes for any relationship. Of course, we want to hold on, and sometimes memories of the good times cloud our judgment.
I have a few friends that are going through life-changing issues, and my heart is so heavy for them. I too have gone thru situations recently that got me thinking, how can I be a better friend? What do I want in a friend?
Sometimes, we just need to sit back and reflect on what really important. In doing so, I came up with these tips.
8 ways be a better friend:
- Support your friends – This is so important. Even if your friends are doing something that you don’t “approve of” you can still lend them your support. If they ask for your opinion, give it and hope that they know no matter what, you have their best interests at heart. If they are making a life change, encourage them! If your Girlfriend is dating a dog, or her Husband is a complete jerk, or her parenting skills are off the chart, still be there for them. You just have to hope and pray that the situation turns out for the best.
- Listen – There are times when we just need to vent and need an ear. It’s always comforting to know that you have someone that is willing to just “listen” to you. Sometimes no words are needed, but just knowing that friend is there speaks volumes.
- Reach out to them “Just Because” – It’s so comforting when I get a “Thinking of you” text, or an emoji just saying hi. My girlfriends will sometimes just send me a picture of a fun time that we shared. I do this a lot for my friends, especially the ones that I haven’t had a chance to see or talk to in a while. You never know what kind of day they are having, and doing something as simple as this is guaranteed to put a smile on their face. Everyone wants to feel as though they mean something to someone.
- Don’t be negative – Negativity is SO dangerous! You can crush a persons spirit with the things that you say. There is the old saying “misery loves company”, well…I don’t need that type of company. This goes for any and all relationships in your life.
- Simply “Be There” – I can’t stress how important this is. When you know your friends are going thru a tough time, reach out to them, pray for them, reiterate that you are there for them. No one wants to go through tough times alone, nor should they have to. We all have busy lives, but try to take the time to be there for a friend in need. No matter how busy you are. I recently had a situation where I reached out to a friend in a time of need. She never returned my call or my text asking for a minute to talk. Was I hurt? Of course, deeply, as I have always been there for her whenever she needed me. I realized that maybe our friendship wasn’t on the level that I thought and that she didn’t feel that my need for help was important. Friendships shouldn’t be one-sided!
- Be yourself– Be friends with people who allow you to be “YOU”. You shouldn’t have to “pretend” to be someone you aren’t for the sake of friendship. How real is that?? I want to be around people who love me for who I am, my 3 flaws and all. If your budget allows you to shop at Target, yet your friends shop at Nordstrom’s all the time, is it fair to spend money you don’t have just to impress someone? Is this really going to make you feel fulfilled? If you cuss like a sailor and your friends don’t like you for that, then you should find friends who love you for the fact that you say what’s on your mind and see you as being “true to yourself”. Friendships should aid in personal growth, not hinder it.
- Don’t Judge – We tend to have expectations of the people in our lives, and when they do something we don’t agree with, we tend to judge. Judgment is harmful. We have to accept those for “who they are” and remember why we choose to have them in our lives. No one is perfect.
- Say Sorry – If you are wrong OWN IT. Don’t sweep it under the rug, or ignore the issue. It will lead to resentment. I’m Sorry are the hardest words to say, because we have to admit that we wronged another person. They are also powerful words because they lead to forgiveness. Be the bigger person! Holding grudges doesn’t help the situation.
In midlife, we start to focus on our lives and the people that are in it. We gain new friends, reconnect with old ones, and lose a few on our journey. Our large circle of friends can grow small, and that’s OK! Some friends move into the acquaintance column or leave your life completely, and that’s OK too!
You really have to look within yourself and decide what is right for you. Are these relationships genuine? Do these people have my back? If not, then its time to move on Girl, because in the Middle Years, we have enough going on!
Friendships give us the opportunity to grow and learn more about ourselves. Cherish and nurture them, you will be a better friend for it.
Until next time….
Crystal
Thank you! If one thinks about friendship, one could conclude a friendship takes on as much work as a spousal relationship. It takes work, honesty, communication and listening skills. Thank you again!
That is so true Sue!!!
Very good advice! Thank you for the reminders!
Lately I’ve been mailing fun little cards to my friends in the mail. it doesn’t make me a great friend but hopefully it is a nice little pick-me-up for their day!
I’d consider you a “great friend” for doing that! 🙂
All of these are very good points..I just posted a similar one about friendship..after losing my son a few months ago..I found out who my real friends were…
Renee, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I would love to check out your blog. Clarity comes about in all forms. Cherish those who stuck by you… xoxo
So true! Great reminders on how to be a good friend. Thanks for sharing. I am starting life over at 51 and realize that I need to remember these as I live my new life with happiness and new friends
Growing up in a house full of boys I never learned how to be a good girlfriend and I still struggle with it today. I have friends, I’m just not very good at keeping up. I need to try harder, but when you’re working 80 hours a week, caregiving full-time, and taking care of a house and family there just never seems to be any extra time!
That is so true Rena! That is when days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months before you realize how much time has gone by.
My friendships have grown stronger at this stage of life, even if we don’t spend as much time together as we used to (family, work, travel, etc). Such good advice and important to remember when sometimes friends can be irritating or disappointing!
Wow Sharon! Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment! You are an inspiration, and I am honored.
This is all so true, so simple and so true, I wonder why it can be so hard! I love the own it. It seems hard for so many to be sorry, I wonder why? I try hard to practice all of these, I need to get better at being there physically. I tend to hibernate and not make plans, and I am missing some good moments!
Great tips! I agree that in middle age we move into a level of depth with friendships that comes from a greater understanding of who we are and what we want. I also have fewer – but better -friends now. I’ll definitely take take these suggestions to heart to further strengthen our bonds..
Great tips. I must admit, I think the judging point is a weak area, I need to work on. I can get seek justice quickly and in the process be judgmental instead of compassionate or understanding. Thanks for this reminder. I also like how you talk about doing something nice for your friend just because, I think all relationships need more of that 🙂
Thank you!!! I agree..we must remember these tips, in marriage too!
Great post. It affirms my commitment, as I’ve moved into my sixties, to surround myself with people who enrich my life, not suck it dry. Life’s just too damn short to not have truly good friends–or to not be one in return.
Amen girl!!!! 🙂
I actually got tears in my eyes from the first item in this list because it reminded me of a rough spot in one of my friendships. This list rang very true for me and is something that we should all keep in mind as our friendships age–we might not have as much time for our friends as our lives fill up with work and marriage and kids, but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t still just as important and in need of attention.
Thank you for your comment, Robin. I am so glad that my post touched you. That is what this is all about. We all have those relationships and friendships that touch us. I have lost a few lately, and I am realizing more and more that isn’t such a bad thing. I feel “free” from the drama and heartbreak. It’s all a work in progress.
These are such great reminders on being a good friend! I am trying to do more of the reaching out “just because.” It can tend to fall by the wayside when life gets difficult but it is so important to make time for those special friends!
I will read this over and over. I had a messed up childhood and that has left me with issues and I find it hard to be a better friend. It’s hard to admit it but I try to be whenever I can as I continue to sort out my past 🙂
PS: I like the new font
Shoshana… Thank you for your honesty. I think we all have those issues in one form or another. It’s how we deal with them, and allow them to affect us, that will determine the outcome. I can relate. trust me.
girl, I absolutely LOVE this post. Especially reaching out “just because”. It’s SO important. When you’re in school you see your friends all the time. As an adult, it’s harder to maintain friendships because everyone is doing their own thing.
xoxo<3
http://kristaaoki.com
These are such great tips! I especially love the tip on listening. So often we don’t take the time to actual stop and listen to what people are saying. Sometimes people just need an ear. Thanks for sharing!
Great tips for any age! The part about expectations is so true. Sometimes we just have to let them do what they need to do and be there when they need us.
These are very important tips…Thanks for sharing